Do Your Research
If you're psychologically prepared for it, you’ll have a clearer head on your shoulders. We’re not saying sit in a darkened room meditating to find your inner self but a binge watch of The Walking Dead or revisiting your Resident Evil gameplay isn’t going to do any harm.
Assess the Situation
The very first thing anyone should do is find out what’s going on. Turn on the TV, check Instagram for #zombies. Get as much information as you possibly can. Who knows, it could be a bluff. If your mate’s running down the road screaming, “Zombies!” but you can’t see anything else, you can probably assume they’ve been eating too much cheese.
What Type Of Zombies Are They?
Okay, once you’ve realised that your friend is definitely a zombie, it’s best to work out whether he’s a type ‘1’ or a type ‘2’. Scientists (yes, actual paid real-life zombie research people) have come up with two types of the syndrome – CDHD-1, which affects 'slow' zombies with uncoordinated movements and CDHD-2, which is typical of 'fast' zombies that have no problem chasing humans in films. If he’s CDHD-2. Run. Fast.
Location, Location, Location
Don’t get fooled into thinking that underground bunker you built is a great location. If it has one door then your security will be your demise once there are more zombies outside than you can fight through. Cottage in the country? You might have a nice view of the Yorkshire Dales but you’ll still get surrounded. You’re better off heading for that eight storey office block. Think about it. It has a high vantage point and multiple exits should you need to make a hasty escape. Plus the office Wi-Fi is probably still working so you can upload anything to the cloud to keep it zombie-proof.
Buy a Protection Suit
Admittedly you should have been looking on Amazon for a suit before the apocalypse started but now is the time to get kitted out. Let’s be realistic; the situation hasn’t been caused by someone passing on a bad cold, it’s more than likely a scientific experiment has gone wrong. Buy a decontamination suit and gas mask. If you’ve missed the boat on this, gloves and hand sanitizer should do the trick.
Bond with Your Non-Zombie Friends. Fast.
You know that friend of yours that’s a little too into watching Bear Grylls? He’s the first person you should seek out in an apocalypse. Your mum and your little sister are going to make soppy decisions that will get you in trouble. Oh, and stay away from people you don’t know. Most non-infected people will try and pinch your supplies. Stranger means danger, people.
Get Your Supplies Together
Grab whatever you think you might need. First aid supplies, sleeping bags, tinned food. Definitely get as much bottled water as you possibly can. Without water, you won’t make it very far. Although do stay away from the supermarket. Zombies love them. And when the food starts to run out? If Matt Damon can grow potatoes on Mars, you can find a patch of land to grow your own (you did keep the seeds from your food, right?).
Oh, and loo roll will be worth its weight in gold when the zombie apocalypse begins. Stock up and be ready.
You want to be a zombie’s worst nightmare? Start exercising. If you’re in peak physical condition you’ll be harder to catch. Obviously trips to the gym are out. Instead go for quick four minute workouts of star jumps, push ups and air squats, in between lookout shifts. Even at the height of a zombie takeover there’s no excuse not to look after yourself.
You’re now equipped to survive a zombie apocalypse. It might not happen today, but just in case it does, you’ll be far more prepared to take them on. You can thank us later.